THE LIGHTER SIDE
his office at about 8 P.M. he sees the Admiral standing by the classified
document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
"Do you know how to work this thing?" the Admiral asks. "My
secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."
"Yes, sir," says the young ensign, who turns on the machine, takes
the paper from the Admiral, and feeds it in.
"Thanks," says the Admiral, "I just need one copy..."
"John," the new guy replied.
The Master Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal
"Yes, Master Chief!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, Master Chief!"
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
MAY 9, 2008
RECEIVED FROM RICHARD HICKEY
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your
radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you
know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector
went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit,
the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, 'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat
belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when
you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat
belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to
his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to
you this way, Ma'am?'
I love this part....
'Only when he's been drinking.'
MAY 13, 2007
RECEIVED FROM ED GRAHAM
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front
of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever
sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's
your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me
sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ...the United States Navy
... you know one of their nicknames is "The Sea Dogs."
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running,
but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Navy
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit. He was in the Marines!"
FEBRUARY 3, 2007
RECEIVED FROM ED GRAHAM
The Missing
Chief
Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of
the island campaigns during World War II.
When the Commanding Admiral of the task force welcomed the cannibals he
said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for
your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are
eating. So please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Sailor."
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the Commanding Admiral returned and said, "You're all
working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one
of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the Admiral left, the
leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you
idiots ate the Chief?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied,
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants,
Lieutenant Commanders, and even one Commander and no one noticed
anything, then YOU had to go and eat a Chief"
|
FEBRUARY 21, 2006
RECEIVED FROM RICHARD HICKEY
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after! a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week ... And pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." !
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope That at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.
MARCH 25, 2006
RECEIVED FROM RICHARD HICKEY
MARCH 28,, 2006
RECEIVED FROM ED GRAHAM
Annual Check-up
|
An
80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The
doctor asks him how he's feeling.
The 80-year-old
says, "I've never felt better. I now have
a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think
about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and
then begins. "I
have an older friend, much like you,
who is an avid
trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was
going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally
picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun.
When he got to the
creek, he saw a prime beaver
sitting beside the
stream of water. He raised his cane
and went 'bang,
bang'.
Suddenly,
two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you
think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly." |
JUNE 23, 2006
RECEIVED FROM ED GRAHAM
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is suddenly shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of a U S Navy Chief begins to make his way up the aisle.
Stopping the frustrated mother's upraised hand, the white haired, courtly, soft-spoken Chief leans down and, motioning toward his collar, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Chief slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me Chief", she asks quietly , "could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The Chief smiled and gently confided, "I showed him my anchors, service stripes, and battle ribbons, and then explained to him that they entitled me to throw one passenger out of the plane."
##################
A young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
"Well," replied the Chief, "the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition. First, we gave you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable but also malleable.
The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable.
Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars.
As a Captain, you soar over the military masses, hence the eagle.
As an Admiral, you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your question?"
"Yes, Chief" replied the Ensign. "but what about Lieutenant Commander and Commander?"
"That, sir, goes waaaay back in history - to the Garden of Eden. You see we've always covered our pricks with leaves."
###################
A Petty Officer Second Class, Petty Officer First Class and a Chief Petty Officer are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke and says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! he's gone.
"Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! he's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief.
The Chief says, "I want those two back on the ship right after lunch."
####################
"The Chief and the Gunny"
An old Chief and an old Gunny are at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.
"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood soaked sand and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.
"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.
"Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"
"Ah," said the Chief with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"
#####################
A Mustang retired after 35 years and realized his lifelong dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in Alaska. He invited an old Admiral friend to visit for a week of pheasant shooting. The friend was in awe of the Mustang's new gun dog, "Chief". The dog would point, flush and retrieve with the very best.
The Admiral offered to buy the dog at any price. The Mustang declined, saying that Chief was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he couldn't part with him.
Six months later the same Admiral returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the Mustang breaking in a new dog.
"What happened to Chief?" he asked.
"Had to shoot him," the Mustang replied. "Another old shipmate came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him 'Master Chief.'
After that, all the dog would do was sit on his butt and bark."
######################
In a small town near Washington, DC, a barber opened his shop for business.
A young enlisted Marine came in to get a "high and tight". The barber asked the young Marine about his service and a lot of small talk took place.
After the haircut was complete, the Marine opened his wallet and the barber said, "It's on the house, Marine. Thanks for your service to this great nation." The next morning when the barber opened his shop there was a box on his doorstep with a note of thanks and a "SEMPER FI" bright red T-shirt.
That same morning a young Army G.I. comes in for a haircut. The same story happens - they talk about the Army. After the haircut is complete, the G.I. stands and reaches for his wallet. The barber says, "No thanks, son. It's on the house. Thank you for your service to our country." The next morning as the man is opening his shop, on the doorstep is a box with an Army ball cap and a thank you note.
That same day, a Chief comes in for a haircut. He is decked out in his full dress blues. The barber is impressed and again, the same things happen... small talk about the service. When the Chief goes to pay, again the barber says, "Not required, Master Chief, it's on the house.
Thanks for your service to this great nation."
You guessed it, the next morning, there on his doorstep................ were three more Chiefs!
######################
The Five Most Dangerous Things in the U S Navy
A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."
A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."
A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..."
A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."
A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."
FEBRUARY FEBRUARY 23, 2007
RECEIVED FROM ED GRAHAM
Subject: Late for Work
Jim just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10
minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a
quandary about what to do about it. Finally, one day he called him into
the office for a talk.
"Jim, I have to tell you, I like your work ethics, but your being
late so often is bothersome.'
"Yes, I know Boss, and I’m working on it."
"Well good. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though, your coming in
late. I know you’re retired from the Navy. What did they say if you came
in late there?"
"They said, "Good morning, Admiral."